Acceptance Does Not Equal Giving Up

When I say the word acceptance, what comes up for you? I'm Kimberly Sagers owner and therapist at Terracotta Counseling.

And this podcast brings you tidbits of insight so that you can create a life full of moments of beauty. Today, we're talking about acceptance. This word is a loaded for so many of my clients. When it comes up in session, I could place a bet on their response. Here's what usually happens. A client is talking about something that's so distressing in their life. We get to this point of introducing the concept of acceptance. Immediately, there is a pushback. They say, "I can't accept this. What do you mean?"

I pushed them a little bit and I ask them, "What does acceptance mean to you?" And inevitably, this is the part that I would make bank if I was a betting woman. That they will say. " Acceptance would be giving up acceptance would be lying on the side of the road. And just rolling over and letting whatever happens happen. For the worse." There's such a resistance to the idea of acceptance because, for them, acceptance is failure. Resignation. And honestly, for me, I felt that way in my life before, too.

And then I had my own therapist give me an assignment that changed the way that I thought about acceptance. It was a really simple assignment, so I'm going to extend it to you as well.

She said, "Write me a definition of acceptance. The way that you want acceptance to be. Not the way that you think that it is." So I did that. And I know that's a vague assignment, but honestly it's supposed to just be very open ended. What do you want acceptance to look like? What's an analogy that would actually be empowering for you instead of limiting. I will give you mine.

It's not going to fit for you perfectly, but it's something that I still come back two years later. I was pushing through a lot of different ideas, just, you know, writing on the page, random thoughts. And then, I can't even explain how it happened, but this image came to my mind of this Buddha statue in a garden.   I pictured the statue and I pictured this Buddha with this really slight smile and the eyes closed. I   pictured wind coming through the garden.   I pictured snow coming all the way up to the top of the Buddha's head and the Buddha was still smiling.   I pictured really hot scorching sun and the Buddha was still smiling.  I pictured torrential rain.   I pictured a really lovely day, anything that the garden could have, and the Buddha was still smiling.   And you know, it wasn't a big, cheesy grin. It wasn't waving out at the world. It was just this internal peace.

 And that's what acceptance is for me. Acceptance is a Buddha in a garden, knowing that the weather is going to come through, and there's a knowledge and a groundedness that it's just weather and it will pass. So when I'm feeling really big emotions that are really distressing for me to hold, I just picture that Buddha and I actually, I got one. So it's actually in my office right in the corner to remind me of that inner peace and that acceptance.

Now your description is going to be different and I've had clients come up with various things. One of my favorite ones that I always come back to. She said: "  Acceptance is letting the flower blossom. And right now I'm so afraid to be where I am to accept. This is my current situation that I'm holding all of my energy into this tight bud. And it's getting painful because I'm refusing to allow the flower to open."  But in allowing that flower to blossom, you know, as the saying goes, bloom where I'm planted. She was able to create that beauty.

Acceptance isn't resignation. Acceptance is beauty. I'd love to hear what analogy fits in your life. Feel free to comment down below or send me an email and until the next time we talk, stay well.